So drunk its hurt
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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