Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
