I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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