I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
