Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
