Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Randomize
