he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
