i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
