There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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