At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
