i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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