how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
