i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
