I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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