You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
