The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
