I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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