rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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