Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
