this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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