Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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