I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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