I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
