so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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