i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
