miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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