he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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