Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Houston, we have a blender
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
