You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
