you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
