my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
