I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
