its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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