i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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