She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
