I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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