why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
