I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Pooping to opera.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
