The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
