After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
