capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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