This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
