I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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