Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
