Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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