i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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