I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I have post one night stand depression
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
