I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
