The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
