I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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